As only George Saunders can…

So, when Barack Obama says he will put some lipstick on my pig, I am, like, Are you calling me a pig? If so, thanks! Pigs are the most non-Elite of all barnyard animals. And also, if you put lipstick on my pig, do you know what the difference will be between that pig and a pit bull? I’ll tell you: a pit bull can easily kill a pig. And, as the pig dies, guess what the Hockey Mom is doing? Going to her car, putting on more lipstick, so that, upon returning, finding that pig dead, she once again looks identical to that pit bull, which, staying on mission, the two of them step over the dead pig, looking exactly like twins, except the pit bull is scratching his lower ass with one frantic leg, whereas the Hockey Mom is carrying an extra hockey stick in case Todd breaks his again. But both are going, like, Ha ha, where’s that dumb pig now? Dead, that’s who, and also: not a smidge of lipstick.

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Now, let’s talk about slogans. Ours is: Country First. Think about it. When you think of what should come first, what does? Us ourselves? No. That would be selfish. Our personal families? Selfish. God? God is good, I love Him, but, as our slogan suggests, no, sorry, God, You are not First. No, you don’t, Lord! How about: the common good of all mankind! Is that First? Don’t make me laugh with your weak blinking! No! Mercy is not First and wisdom is not First and love is super but way near the back, and ditto with patience and discernment and compassion and all that happy crap, they are all back behind Country, in the back of my S.U.V., which— Here is an example! Say I am about to run over a nun or orphan, or an orphan who grew up to become a nun—which I admire that, that is cool, good bootstrapping there, Sister—but then God or whomever goes, “It is My will that you hit that orphaned nun, do not ask Me why, don’t you dare, and I say unto thee, if you do not hit that nun, via a skillful swerve, your Country is going to suffer, and don’t ask Me how, specifically, as I have not decided that yet!” Well, I am going to do my best to get that nun in one felt swope, because, at the Convention, at which my Vice-Presidential candidate kicked mucho butt, what did the signs there say? Did they say “Orphaned Nuns First” and then there is a picture of a sad little nun with a hobo pack?

My officemate and I cackled back and forth about this thing for most of the morning.

Paul Slansky’s rant over at Huffington Post (entitled “Why Does John McCain Hate America So Much?”) pretty eloquently sums up my feelings about the dangers of Sarah Palin:

The country has just endured the worst leadership in modern history, and no lessons have been learned. Despite what we have witnessed over the past eight years, tens of millions of people are willing to instantly repeat the same mistake and elect another sadistic ignoramus to national office because she’s able to hide these qualities behind the deceptive dazzle of charisma. This cannot be allowed to happen.

That John McCain is a shameless panderer who’ll do anything to get elected president has become increasingly obvious over the eight years he’s spent reversing every principled position he’d ever taken. That John McCain has renounced every shred of honor that ever attached to him is clear to anyone who bears witness to the parade of scummy lies he calls his advertising campaign — a campaign that no less a bottom feeder than Karl Rove said has gone “one step too far” by “attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the 100-percent truth test.” That John McCain has cravenly sold his soul for a prize that he doesn’t even seem to want for any reason other than just to have it is undeniable to anyone who looks into his now-dead eyes. He’s a walking corpse.

Read the whole thing — it’s got great pacing and tone for a piece on a liberal blog (where the quality of writing is usually pretty pedestrian.)

Two articles in the politics section of the NYTimes are notable today. One is a five-page fun-times read about the cronyism and vendettas that have characterized Palin’s tenure as governor of Alaska. The other is all about Todd Palin’s role/influence in her government.

As Mark Shields said Friday on the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, “we may be seeing Palin’s high point right now.” I think it’s over. The feeding frenzy is about to begin.

Amen to this list of questions — here’s hoping that Gibson actually has the sac to ask these. Then again, he is of a certain age. Perhaps he’ll be blinded by the GILF’s charms and have a difficult time doing more than treating her with “deference”?

Remember when George W. Bush campaigned in 2000? Like most GOP candidates, he promised to “clean up” Washington. The chunk of this article reprinted below is my favorite block quote in a long history of awesome block quotes written about the banality and baseness of people in the federal government on Bush’s watch:

The investigation also concluded that several of the officials “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relationships with oil and gas company representatives.”

The investigation separately found that the program’s manager mixed official and personal business, and took money from a technical services firm in exchange for urging oil companies to hire the firm. In sometimes lurid detail, the report accuses him of having intimate relations with two subordinates, one of whom regularly sold him cocaine.

Can we stop this crap already? Can we finally see that this is what deregulation run amok actually leads to? Can there be any doubt that if McCain/Palin wins this election, this kind of thing will only be ratcheted up?